Everyone has a book of revelations in their life and mine seems to open up every year, on this date. I overthink and overanalyze my past, present and future. I constantly think about how to act, what to say or how I should respond on this particular date. It puts my heart and mind into a tailspin of turmoil every year. At least it has for the last 14 years. June 13th is my Mr. Big’s birthday. This year he is turning 40.
It’s strange how I once thought that I would be spending this milestone birthday with Big. I thought I would share every milestone with him. But, alas, the Universe had other plans. I just wish the Universe would explain something to me. Why do I still think about Big when we are not in each other’s lives anymore?
I know I shouldn’t even be writing about this. Last December, I endured a very difficult phone call from an upset Big. He had found my blog and read every entry I had ever written about him. I never thought he would read those entries. (I deleted them out of respect). I never thought he cared enough to even want to read my thoughts on anything, let alone our past. I was wrong. There are two sides to every story and I had only posted my version. I never knew his. I still don’t know his side. I had written about our past so I could let it go. I thought if I wrote it all down, it would take it out of my head. I guess I am hoping the same will happen now. If I put it into written words–“I need to stop thinking about Big”–it will work right?
But it is his birthday. And it is a big milestone. He’s 40. I am so proud of him for all he has accomplished and I have faith that he will find a way to accomplish so much more. I want to send him good wishes–positive energy. I want to encourage him to stay focused and not give up on his dreams. Is that crazy? Is it crazy that I still love him and want the best for him? I want him to be happy. I suddenly feel the need to do my best Dolly Parton impression–or Lorelei Gilmore.
“I wish you joy and happiness . . . but most of all, I wish you love.” Big, I hope you find everything you are searching for and that the Universe treats you kind. Happy Birthday!