In the past, it seemed the Universe used my radio to communicate with me. I was constantly hearing the same three songs at 11:11, 1:11, 4:44, or 4:14 in the afternoon or evening. I have blogged about this in the past. But for the past month, I haven’t heard these songs at all. But it started up again this past week–a week where I was hired to work as a photographer at a wedding.
But the Universe has changed things up. It has decided to throw in one of the old songs followed by a new song I had never heard until I was on my way to the wedding rehearsal, “Arms” by Christina Perri. I heard “Arms” on the way to the wedding rehearsal, on the way home from the wedding and on the way home from my friends’ house on Saturday after I had been talking to her about my current love life dilemma. “Arms” restated exactly what I was telling my friend about a certain man in my life. It freaked me out.
Exactly a year ago, I was seeing “Hot Dog.” We had been involved in a open relationship (sometimes referred to as Friends with Benefits) on and off for several years. I had finally realized that I wanted something more. I wanted a real relationship. I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s wife but I was ready to be someone’s girlfriend. “Hot Dog” is the kind of guy who breaks out into hives at the mere mention of “committed relationship.” So I knew it was time to end our arrangement. Since we have been close friends for 10 years, it was the easiest “break-up” ever.
Now, here I am, a year later, and I still long for a real relationship. I am sick of being the “single one.” All of my friends are in a relationship or married. Some are on the baby kick while others already have kids or are expecting. As for me, I just adopted a kitten so I am now the mother of 2 furbabies. I feel like Angelina Jolie, post-Billy Bob Thorton and pre-Brad Pitt.
I do have to admit that there is someone lurking in the shadows. But we are in a limbo status. I don’t know what we are. I am extremely attracted to this man and I definitely want to see if we can have a go of things but it is unclear to me where he stands. We went on a date back in January but thing did not go as planned. A month ago, we saw each other for the first time since our ill-fated date and things seemed good between us. We hung out for an evening and to be honest, it felt more like a date than our initial attempt. He made me feel safe and when I was in his arms, I felt like I was home. But then he went out of town and I did the same so it was far too short lived. Now I am back in “school mode” and I have no clue where he is (still out of town, I presume). So it is a confusing state to be in. I don’t want to be confused any more.
If I had my choice, this is the man I choose to be with but if he doesn’t feel the same, then it is time to move on. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want that companionship that so many of my friends have found. Yeah, sure, I could get more cats but we already have one crazy cat lady on our street. I want someone to share my life with. But to be clear (to my friends), I am not ready for Match.com. However, when my friends want to fix me up, I’m no longer going to be opposed to the idea. I’m finally ready to grow-up (I even changed my wardrobe).
So Universe, I hear you and I am finally taking action.
(In case anyone wanted to hear the new song haunting me, “Arms”–it’s like I am singing, if I could sing).