I have been sitting here for the last half hour reviewing today’s events. I spent the day with Hot Dog. This was the first time that we have hung out in over a year. He came over to check out my new rental house and to help me move my furniture around. Then we went out to lunch and wound up spending the rest of the day together. We talked, we bantered, we joked around and we flirted. It was so great to hang out with him again. We had a blast. It was like old times but it was also very different. I was very different. And it wasn’t until we started to flirt a little that my eyes opened and an awakening occurred.
Even though I had a great time hanging out with Hot Dog, I was missing someone else. I was comparing him to someone else; a man who I thought was my soul mate, my twin flame. Hot Dog is a great guy and a great friend but he is not the man I want to be with. Unfortunately, the man I want to be with doesn’t want to be with me. So how do I let go?
The new year is fast approaching and I don’t want to start off 2012 hung up on a guy who apparently has no interest in me, not even as a friend. And I don’t want to play the comparison game. It isn’t fair to Hot Dog or any other man I might spend time with in the future.
I know I am finally in a place where I want to be in a real relationship. I don’t want to be single any longer. The majority of my friends are married or in a committed relationship and I am really sick of being alone in a crowd, the third or fifth wheel. And right now, my heart still wants a relationship with a particular man while my mind knows it’s over. Will the two ever come together so I can let go and move on?
Sometimes I wish that Hot Dog was ready for a relationship and I could have the “Friends With Benefits” movie happy ending but that isn’t written in my life script. Friends have told me that the best way to get over someone is to start dating someone else, the “rebound guy.” But that’s not me. I am not the kind of girl who can just use a guy to get over another one. I have tried that before and I failed miserably.
So what do I do? My heart is telling me to wait and see if this particular guy will come around while my head is telling me it is time to move forward, leaving the past in the past. And I am here, stuck in the middle, confused and alone. I wish the universe would just tell me what to do. The signs are not clear enough. I think you need to whack me in the head with the truth because I feel lost. Please give me a guiding light and tell me which way to go.