On Instagram, there is a feature that has suggestions for people you might want to follow. The other day, a guy from my past popped up in the suggestions. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in years so I clicked on it to see how he was doing and wound up clicking the “follow” button. Crap (actually, I used a different word)!
I knew he would get a notification that I was now following his feed so I couldn’t immediately unfollow, that would be mean, or so I thought. He didn’t have a lot of followers so I decided to just leave it.
But then I started to think that what I viewed as a nostalgic “let’s just see how he is doing” kind of gesture might be taken the wrong way. My thoughts of making peace with this man from my past and the unrealistic hope that we could someday be friends again might not come across when he sees the new follower notification.
I have no idea what he thinks of me or if he is still upset over things that were said and done in the past. For me, I have let go of any negative feelings toward him. I will forever care about him and wish him the best but I now realize that he is in my past and that is where he needs to stay. I am not the same person I was and neither is he.
I don’t want to go back and relive a time where, in reaction to how he treated me, I was ashamed of the things I said and did. I didn’t like the person I turned into when I was dealing with the insecurities of being ignored and treated poorly by a man I thought I loved.
Everyone comes into your life for a reason. This man was a long, hard and often painful lesson. By having him pop-up in my Instagram suggestions, I think the Universe was trying to tell me that he is fine. I don’t have to worry about him anymore. It is OK to leave him in the past where he belongs. I can finally let go.
So I clicked the unfollow button and he returned the favor by making his account private. So there it was. A book I started when I met this man over 19 years ago was finally closed. Time to focus on a new book.
It dawned on me last night that I have really neglected this blog and my personal challenge to try something new every day. I thought I would scroll through old posts for inspiration to get back into blogging mode. Instead of inspiration, I found frustration. My life has drastically changed over the past year that I don’t even recognize the woman who wrote about twin flames and the like. I almost want to go back in time and shake her, ask her “what are you thinking?” But deep down I know that everything in my life happens for a reason and every experience has made me into the person I am today. Circumstances ripped the rose colored glasses from my face and I feel like I can finally see things correctly; perhaps for the first time in my life.
The man from my past, the one I believed to be my “twin flame,” my “Mr. Big,” is no longer a factor in my life. Yes, there was a connection between us but it wasn’t meant to be worked out in this lifetime. He served as a lesson–a painful lesson but a lesson nonetheless. Now he is out of my life and it is for the best. I won’t be wasting anymore time on romantic notions or spiritual cosmic connections or whatever I was writing about in regards to him. It was just another chapter in my book of life.
Over the past ten months or so, I have really re-evaluated my relationships, friendships and just where my life is headed in general. This has been the most difficult year of my life and unfortunately, in difficult times, you see who your real friends are and what truly matters the most in life. I don’t have everything figured out but I am working on it.
One thing that I do know for sure is that I want to get back to writing. I started back in September when I pitched my first story for the magazine where I am currently employed as the photo editor. I always wanted to be a writer, not a photographer. Being a photographer paid the bills when I was laid off from a writing job back in 2002 and it just seemed like a path I had to take to get to where I am now. That article is currently on the news stands in the April issue of American Cinematographer. So far I have received positive responses to the article so hopefully this is the first step toward changing my life into what I want it to be. Stay tuned.
Over the last few days, I have found myself reflecting on the past. My intuition is high and I have just had too many strange “coincidences” happen. I blame it all on Mercury Retrograde.
In true retrograde fashion, my plans for myself have gone awry. I was moving forward, letting go of my past. I have a great job, a new apartment and all I had left to work on was my love life. I have been too fixated on the past. I was finally letting go but the universe, and Mercury, have stepped in to remind me about my Twin Flame.
I have previously written about Twin Flames. I had figured out who mine was–my soul knew. I thought I had reached a stage of acceptance that we were not going to work things out in this lifetime. I knew that no other man would ever make me feel the way he did. The intense passion, the ability to just feel his presence, feeling like I was home when I was with him, the inability to truly explain our connection–I would never feel that with anyone else and I was finally OK with that. Then the frickin’ retrograde had to happen.
It started off small with little things here and there. Certain songs that haven’t played on the radio in years were suddenly on the playlists during my commute, his name started popping up in random places, videos of him popped up on YouTube as suggestions, a press release in regards to a documentary featuring films he worked on appeared in my work email inbox–this was simply the beginning.
As for today, actually the past hour, the “coincidences” have propelled me into writing this particular blog entry. I had just returned home from a baby shower and was settling in for the night when I decided to check Facebook. A high school friend of mine had posted an image about the October 8th total lunar eclipse. I clicked on the image link, thinking I would get more details on the eclipse but instead, I was redirected to a Twin Flames website. Curious, I scrolled down the page and stopped at the following paragraph: “if you are experiencing a lot of confusion, despair & frustration due to ‘on and off’ relating, and the perplexing so-called “running” dynamic with your Twin Flame, the channeled ancient wisdom of the Teachings of the ‘Twin Flame Sacred Keys’ will show the deeply sub-consciously buried core reason and also explain how to transcend this limited dynamic energetically for the required individual vibrational balance and equilibrium of relating.”
This peaked my interest because my Twin Flame and I had been “on and off” for 17 years. We were constantly struggling with our abilities to “relate”, communicate with actual words and we were always finding ways to “run away.” So I wondered what this site and its author might offer as a solution to a Twin Flame cosmic communication dilemma (without paying $150 for the CDs).
I went back to Facebook and discovered that TWIN FLAME SACRED KEYS has a page. True to form for the age of Social Media, their Facebook page led me to their YouTube Channel where I found the following video that freaked me out.
Now why exactly was I freaked out by this video? It is the song playing. The other videos I watched on the channel had chakra aligning type meditation music. This particular video has the song “Kissing” by Bliss from the first Sex and the City Movie. The song plays during a romantic scene between Carrie and Big. The man whom I consider to be my Twin Flame was also the man I referred to as my Mr. Big. Coincidence or a sign from the Universe?
Honestly, I was looking at these videos hoping I would read something that would prove my Mr. Big wasn’t my Twin Flame. Instead, I happen upon a video entitled “Signs of the true twin flame” featuring a song from Sex and the City. Plus, I could relate to all the “signs” mentioned in the video. I have often described such feelings in regards to Big. So the Universe was giving me a sign of validation. My Mr. Big is also my Twin Flame. He is also in my past. We haven’t spoken in almost a year. This doesn’t change anything. We couldn’t make things work so why keep pointing out our connection? I’m confused. What exactly is the Universe trying to tell me?
Seven weeks ago, I started taking a level one Peruvian Shamanism course at The Green Man Store in North Hollywood. I have always been fascinated by Native American traditions and knowing that my Great Grandmother went to extremes in order to go to Peru (and possibly died there), Peruvian Shamanism just seemed like the appropriate next step in my spiritual journey.
But something was wrong. I didn’t feel like I was really connecting and I wasn’t sure why. Actually, it felt like my life was continually getting worse over the course of the class. My depression was coming back–it had been over a year since I had been in such a funk. My family on the other side of the country was taking turns in the hospital. My worry nerves were in overload. I try to be a fixer for my loved ones. It was hard facing the fact that there was nothing that I could do to make things better. Even worse, I was faced with learning that someone I cared deeply for didn’t want my help, he just wanted me to go away and let him be alone and depressed. Then this week culminated in a clusterfuck that just pushed me to the very edge. But tonight, I finally understood why.
The last seven weeks were so magical that I wasn’t even aware of the transformation that was happening in my life. I thought I was depressed and detached but I was actually healing. All of my issues were coming to the surface–one right after the other until they were all before me in this dark, massive mountain of denial. Then just two days ago, an Opossum literally forced me to see the light.
The apartment building next to mine has a motion light right by their dumpster. It shines right in my window whenever anyone throws out their trash. I was sitting on my couch when I noticed the light come on but I didn’t hear the sound of the dumpster. Maybe it wasn’t the light after all. Maybe it was someone using a flashlight and shining it outside my apartment. I grabbed my baseball bat and swung open the door–I was not going to allow someone to steal my gnomes again (whole other story). To my surprise, there was no one there but a rather large opossum sitting on the fence, staring at me. There was no hissing or running away. He just looked me in the eye. I greeted him and he appeared to acknowledge me with a nod before he switched directions on the fence and scurried off–heading West (which actually has meaning to me now).
I looked up the meaning of an opossum spirit animal and it talked about needing to come up with a strategy. Opossums are great actors–playing whatever part needed for survival. I finally realized that I have been doing that for a very long time. As I read more and more, I realized this was actually perfect and made complete sense in accordance to my current life status of chaos.
The following day, after the encounter with Mr. Opossum, I went to Hahamongna Watershed Park (where Devil’s Gate Dam is located). I was on my way home from work and I needed to get sticks to make death arrows for my final shamanism class. Once I found the perfect specimens, I decided to walk over to Devil’s Gate Dam, since I was there. On the power lines over what used to be a water filled dam (drought), I saw two crows looking at me. One stayed and the other flew away. I instantly thought, just like the two men in my life–one just left. So I looked up the meanings of the crow totem and for this particular situation, I would say I was being told to focus on my intuition and sight. I also believe the one crow leaving represents the loss of the male “friend; ” a loss that turned into a life-changing moment for me.
It was at this time that I noticed the sun had set and I better get back to my car. The park closes at sunset. I ran back just in time to see the police leave, locking the gates behind them. Yep, I was locked inside “Devil’s Gate Dam.” Just as I was about to lose it, this kind jogger came up to me and said that the officer knew he was jogging and had put the lock on the gate but it wasn’t actually locked. He kindly opened the gates for me so I could escape my imaginary park prison.
For me, that was the cherry on top of my mountain of denial. Little did I know, it was the last bit I needed to finally make my real “death arrow.” A death arrow is a representation of your need to bring death to certain parts of your life or your past to make way for new beginnings. So when I got home, I pulled out my yarn, matching the chakra colors, and took all my frustrations out on the making of my death arrow for our fire ceremony on the last day of class. I took the picture I had of myself and my former friend, wrapping it around the arrow. I used blue and green yarn to secure it as well as marking the love and communication problems that occurred throughout that relationship. It was finally time to let it all go.
I carefully chose each color and the order, wanting to make sure I dealt with everything that had surfaced over the last seven weeks. There it was, my real “death arrow.” I was so proud and beyond ready to let go. Bring on the new beginnings.
For the first time in weeks, I am happy and bubbly. I have high amounts of energy and I feel reconnected with my sight. Tonight, when I threw my death arrow into the fire during our ceremony, I got my fresh start. The heaviness, the depression, the self-doubt–it is all gone. I feel like a new person. I feel like I have a new outlook on life. I suddenly feel the need to dance around to “Disco Inferno.” I also have a clear mind as I begin creating a strategy to fix the other problems in my life. No more denial or “acting.” I know what I want and I am going after it because I’m free. I don’t have the past holding me back any longer. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes and I am ready to soar!
Do I believe in magic? Of course I do. My life is filled with magical moments and magical people. But if you would have asked me this question a year ago, the answer would have been completely different.
Exactly one year ago, I was trapped in a vortex of anxiety and depression. My life was falling into ruin but it would be months before I would realize that I needed my life to come crashing down around me. I had to hit rock bottom. I had to seek out help. I had to let go of who I thought I was in order to find out who I am really am.
It didn’t happen overnight. It took months. It took months to realize that I couldn’t do it alone, that I didn’t have to even try to do it alone. I found an amazing group of magical people who have become my family. They pulled me out of the darkness and helped me find my way to the life I have today.
Now my heart goes out to someone I love dearly who is struggling to find his way. I understand his need for solitude and in-depth soul searching. But at the same time, I hope he remembers that he doesn’t have to go it alone. Even Buddha discovered that the quest to enlightenment is better achieved with a little help. And in my humble opinion, the bond created between people who help each other can be profoundly magical. So if he should happen to read this, I just have one question for him, “Do you believe in magic?”
I am taking part in a writing challenge from WordPress’ Daily Post. The challenge is to use the Post via Email tool and to write the post as if you are writing an actual email. So I decided I would write to you, my former self–a young woman who always hid behind the written word.
As your future self, I want to warn you of your habits of expressing yourself only through writing. You have this bad habit of holding in your real feelings until you explode through a written, verbal regurgitation that tends to make matters worse. I understand your fears. You are afraid of rejection and getting hurt. But the problem with email is that you don’t know if the other person even read your heartfelt diatribe, if they interpreted it with its true meanings and feelings (teasing and flirting doesn’t always come across in email), and you will never know how they feel if they decide not to respond. With verbal communication, yes, it is scary but at least you get responses right away, ending the “what is he thinking” loop that plays in your head. And no matter how scared you are to express yourself live (or even in-person), always remind yourself that what is the worse that can happen–you will lose something you never even had?
You started this habit of expressing yourself, especially in matters of the heart, at a young age. You used to write notes to the guys you cared for in Middle School and High School but then with the addition of email in college, your bad habit soared. In college, with Big, you used email to tell him how you felt. Then the one time you stored up enough courage to tell him in person what you wanted, he gave you what you thought was a rejection–thus causing you to further hone your written communication skills.
You are a writer. You have a college degree in the subject to prove it. It should be a skill, not a crutch. One in-person rejection (your interpretation, not his) and another one on the phone and you developed what Big would probably call “long ass email” syndrome.
This is going to be a very hard habit for you to break. Through therapy, meditation, and a lot of soul-searching, you are going to do your best to get over your fears. But your daily interactions with teenagers who conduct the majority of their communications through technology–texting, tweeting, Instagram and the like–is going to make this one of the most difficult challenges of your life. But remember, you are from a different generation. A generation where your parents made you get your own phone line so you could talk to your friends for hours. Go back to your roots and work on your Verbal communication skills (and do your very best to convince your teenagers to do the same). Stop using your pen (or keyboard) as a sword, a weapon to fight off your fear demons, and do your part to help stop a future of tech zombies who would rather text the person sitting on the other side of the table instead of having an actual conversation with them. Remember, the benefits of an actual verbal conversation is instant feedback and responses. I mean isn’t that why you go to “talk” therapy? This will improve our future–and end all the misunderstandings that have occurred via email.