It never ceases to amaze me how a song can find the exact words I am looking for. I was just lying here, after a long frustrating day of meetings and paperwork, and I decided to listen to my ipod on shuffle. It was weird how my mind started to wander off and the ipod shuffle almost served as a mind reader as it wandered along with my thought process.
Ironically, it chose two artists who I have blogged about before. Two artists that the Universe tends to use to try to open my eyes. Those two artists are Adele and Justin Timberlake (often followed by Kelly Clarkson or Linkin Park).
These are the two songs: “Don’t You Remember” and “(Another Song) All Over Again”
Since I posted the blog about the music triple play, the Universe has decided to mess with me. I thought I politely asked the Universe to stop with the songs or to at least give me some new ones. Playing the same songs but in a different order is not helping with my mental state.
Yesterday, all three songs played on my way to Target but in the opposite order (Linkin Park, Justin Timberlake, then Adele). And to let me know it is listening, the Universe did add a new song to the list: Kelly Clarkston’s “My Life Would Suck Without You.” I heard these on my way to Target and they played in the exact same order (on different stations) when I was leaving Target.
My response: Some profanities followed by a bunch of “Really?!” and “Seriously?!” inquiries.
For months now, the Universe has been throwing signs at me left and right. It’s my own fault. I asked for guidance when dealing with certain issues, and loved ones, in my life. I have written before about the numbers–which still keep coming into play. Well, so are the songs. For the longest time, at 11:11 or 3:33 or 4:14 or 4:41 or 7:11, three songs would play in a row on the radio. My closest friends can attest to this. They have been present when this crazy phenonmenon has occurred. I was usually thinking or talking about a certain situation when this would happen. They I would swear, look up to the heavens and inquire “Really?!”
The three songs were Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep,” Justin Timberlake’s “What Goes Around,” and Linkin’ Park’s “Waiting for the End.”
Since this was occurring on practically a daily basis, I did what I thought the Universe wanted me to do. But now I think that perhaps I made a mistake–or at least that is what the new “signs” are suggesting. Now I am continuously hearing just two songs playing together–still Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” and now the added song is the cover of Roxette’s “Listen to Your Heart” by DHT featuring Edmee.
Even though I know what the Universe it trying to tell me through songs–and today through a movie that I randomly decided to watch (When in Rome–about a cynical, workaholic who has romantic issues. This scene says it all http://youtu.be/ujfNjuYUqbs), nothing is going to change. I can’t go back and change the past. I don’t know how to fix things and I’m not really sure if I want to. My eyes were opened and there are just certain things that I won’t compromise. And in all actuality, you can’t make someone care when they don’t. You can’t make someone talk to you when they won’t. Actions, or lack there of, speak louder than words anyways. Being ignored presents a very clear picture of how the other party feels. And no matter how much you may love someone, you can’t make them love you back when they don’t.
Yeah, sure there are second chances–and third, and fourth and etc. You could try to fix things. Try to spend time together to really get to know each other. Or you could try to be “just friends.” You tell yourself that you can be friends with them because it’s better than not having them in your life at all. But that is a crock of shit. You can’t be friends with someone you love and watch them be with someone else, always wondering why they picked that person over you. And how can you suddenly become “platonic” friends with someone you have never been able to keep your hands off of? Watch “When Harry Met Sally,” the answers reside there on the whole men and women being friends issue.
For me, there is always another dilemma. I wonder if others feel the same way I do when someone from your past comes back into your life. You try to be strong and leave the past in the past but can you really do that–especially if you have been hurt by that person before? Why take the risk of letting someone back into your life, trusting them, opening up to them and sometimes falling in love with them all over again (if it was a romantic interest) when they are just going to disappear again. If they disappeared from your life before, odds are they will disappear again.
OK, I have major abandonment issues so I am a bit biased on this topic. I am afraid to trust and get close to people because I am convinced they are just going to leave. It started happening when I was just 9 years old. My grandfather told me he was just going up north for the weekend and we would celebrate his birthday when he got back. (His birthday was June 20th–what is it with me and Gemini’s?) He never came back. He had a heart attack the day before his birthday. Then a year later my grandmother left when she died of cancer. And that same year, after enduring 3 heart attacks, my father had to leave (just move out, he is still alive) when my parents separated and then divorced. The list can go on and on of all the people who I cared about but then they walked out of my life. But the point is, I expect people to leave. I don’t want to get used to having them around or rely on them too much because one day they will be gone. The only person I can ever really trust and rely on is myself.
At the beginning of a relationship (or dating/courtship/whatever you want to call it), I am always optimistic–for about a day. Things will seem good and I will be happy for about a minute (freaking out my friends with my happiness–they are not used to it), I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something will happen, things won’t work out and he will ultimately leave my life. I have had men who kept coming back to me. Why? I don’t know but they do ultimately leave again. I will overanalyze it to death and try to figure out what I did wrong. (Thank God for Therapy). But the truth is, I do know myself. I know my issues. And I do know why I do what I do and love who I love. (A girl has to have some secrets). I guess I am just waiting for the right man to actually stick around long enough for me to let my guard down so they too can know why I do what I do and why I love them.
So, Universe, even though I was extremely happy, for about a minute, with the last man in my life and I did think this was “it”–it didn’t work out. My third times the charm turned into a three strikes you’re out. He’s gone. He doesn’t care about me anymore–unless you know something I don’t. He has made it clear I am not a part of his life anymore–if I ever really was. So, please, stop with the reminders. Are you giving him the same reminders? I highly doubt it. I doubt I even cross his mind anymore. So please, make it so I can stop thinking about him, and move on like he has. Help me let go because I’m not doing a very good job on my own. It’s summer. I finally have way too much time on my hands and I don’t want to keep thinking about what could have been. So please,stop with the songs–or move on to some new ones.
