Posted in Astrology, Life, Relationships, Spirituality, Universe

The “L” Word

On Twitter, I follow several zodiac feeds, specifically those for Libras.  The other day, there was a tweet stating that a Libra will only tell you they love you if they really do and they don’t take love lightly.  For Libras, the “L” word has to have meaning or they won’t use it.  As a Libra myself, I can say this is completely true.

Here in Hollywood, so many toss around the “L” word like a disposable commodity.  Industry people will tell you they love you while stabbing a knife in your back.  It makes it really hard to trust the sincerity when someone uses the “L” word around here.  So I can completely understand why someone from my past, a native Angeleno, never believed me when I told him I loved him.

In my 33 years, I have only ever told two men that I loved them.  The first didn’t return the gesture and the second didn’t believe me, telling me “that’s impossible.”  If the second really truly knew me, he would know that such a feeling is difficult for me to express and that due to my own trust & relationship issues, I would never lie about this particular emotion.  And after an incident that occurred today, I still feel this way about this man and I probably always will.

Lately, the Universe has been sending constant reminders of this man.  This week, it was like a fireworks attack and today was the finale.

Whether this man and I have a romantic future is of no real concern to me.  I would be happy just to be his friend again.  But we had a falling out last fall and he won’t respond to any of my inquiries or attempts to repair our friendship.  Not knowing whether or not he is OK is like pure torture for me.  I am one of those people who loves hard and would do anything for the ones I love.  I don’t handle disconnection well.

And I really don’t deal well with the gut feeling that someone I love is suffering.  When someone tells you that they want to go off to be alone and depressed then you don’t hear from them for months, your worry alarms go into overload.  You do everything you can to reach out, let them know you are there.  You practically turn into a stalker but it doesn’t matter.  You have this need to help them, protect them, take care of them because you love them.  It doesn’t matter if that love is romantic or friendly.  You love them and you want to be there for them.  They will test you and push you away but unless I am told to “go away” in a clear manner, I am not about to abandon anyone I care about.

Now this particular person has trust and relationship issues that far surpass mine, making him quite a challenge to reach.  I have seen his good side as well as the bad and I am still here.  But I made a mistake last fall.  I let my trust issues come into play and I pushed him away.  I picked a fight over something stupid because I was afraid.  And he did what I asked, he disappeared.  When I realized I made a mistake, it was too late to fix what I broke . . . what we both broke.

But today, a scare snapped me back into reality and I realized that I want him back in my life, even if it is just as friends.  But I don’t know what to do.  I promised him that I wouldn’t write about him but I am breaking that promise for a good cause.  I am hoping he will read this someday and realize that our friendship has turned into a whiteboard.  We can keep clearing it off as long as we want to, leaving the past exactly where it belongs, in the past.  We don’t have to even look at the future.  We can live one second, one minute, one day at a time.  All that matters is the here and now.  I promise I won’t bring up our past ever again as long as we can try to be friends now.

At the very least, he could just find a way to tell me that he is out there and that he is OK, that he is surviving.   When you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that means you can’t be in each other’s lives anymore.  But for me, a Libra with tons of issues, before I can let someone go, I have to know they will be OK and that they don’t need me anymore.

Posted in Astrology, Life, Spirituality, Universe

Time To Find Your Path

Tomorrow’s Full Moon is the Pathfinding Horse Moon.  With the moon in Sagittarius, it is a time to choose a new path or direction to take in our life’s journey.

How do we do this?  Well, you look at where you are and where you really want to be then you have to decide how to get there.  Simple, right?  I’m a Libra so I would have to say this is pure torture.  Trying to make a decision on which path I should take is an extremely difficult task for a Libra.  I will use my trusty Pros and Cons lists.  I will think of all the different possible outcomes for each decision.  I will ask my friends and family for advice.  I will go see a psychic or ask my own Goddess or Angel cards.  Then I will pray for a sign from the Universe, guiding me toward the right path.  Then I will finally make a decision.  But once I make that decision, I will constantly wonder if I made the right choice.  But once again, I am a Libra.

Ironically, I am in a weird place where I do feel like I have to make a lot of life choices about my future.  So today, I turned to someone I know and trust, Hot Dog.  I had just told him about my accident a few days ago so he was anxious to see me and get me whatever I needed.  He picked up dinner at my favorite Mexican restaurant and arrived at my house, ready to take care of my needs.  What I really needed was someone to talk to and he was ready to listen.  We went for a walk in my neighborhood (mainly to walk off the carnitas) and talked about what was bothering me.  Like any close, good guy friend would do, he poked fun at some of the decisions I made and actions I took.  But mostly he was in agreement with me that I needed to change things in my life.

I know where I want to be I just have no clue how to get there.  I need to let go of the past once and for all.  My past is holding me back.  So I guess whatever direction I wind up choosing, I need to make sure that it is in the opposite direction of my past with the future I want directly in front of me.

Now, if you are like me and you have a hard time making decisions, Kristen Madden from Llewellyn’s Witches’ Datebook suggests:

“To explore your path and any new directions you might take, you will need a pendulum (a ring on a string will do), and your life-adventure map.  Create your map by drawing a large circle on a piece of paper.  divide the circle into a pie graph, with one section representing your current path.  Into the other sections, place your potential paths, hopes and dreams.  Take your pendulum and ask what paths are most aligned to financial, academic, spiritual, or emotional success, then let the pendulum help find your direction.”

Now if the pendulums, tarot cards and psychic guidance methods freak you out, you can always ask the Magic 8 ball.  I have a fortune telling Yoda doll that I often ask for guidance (yeah, I’m a Star Wars geek) when my Magic 8 ball seems to be having issues (when it tells you “Future Unclear.  Ask Again Later.”)

Good Luck!

Posted in Family, Life, Universe

I Have Amazing Friends

When tragedy strikes, it becomes very clear who really cares about you.  I don’t have any actual family out here in California but on Wednesday, I learned I have a very large extended family.

On Wednesday, I was driving home in the 5pm bumper to bumper traffic.  I was at a dead stop when I heard tires squeal behind me.  I looked in my rearview mirror and had enough time to say “Oh Shit” before the car behind me plowed into my back end, lifting the back of my car into the air before slamming me down.  I was in shock and I suddenly felt pains shooting through my neck.  I had enough sense to pull over to the side.  The 20 year old girl behind me had been texting and didn’t see me.

So we went through the accident protocol and I wound up at the local hospital with severe whiplash and other minor injuries.  At first, I was in a panic. I am single.  I live alone and my family is on the other side of the country.  So I called my best friend from the ER.  Then they took me back into a room where the cell reception was bad so I started to text my friends and co-workers.  To my amazement, everyone rushed to help me in any way they could.  My California sister showed up at the hospital to be with me (and to tease me about the nice new neck brace that I will be wearing for a week).  She started contacting people for me and giving updates while I endured many tests.

Since I was released from the hospital and put on bed rest, I am unable to act like my usual independent self.  So my friends and their families have stepped in, taking me to appointments, getting me groceries, taking care of my fur babies, and picking up my meds.

So it no longer feels right to simply call them my friends, they are my family.  They have been there when I really needed them.  And going through something like this, you really do see who truly cares about you and who doesn’t.

So to my “family,” Thank you for everything!!!!

Posted in Family, Life, Relationships, Spirituality, Universe

A Cosmic Connection

The popular belief concerning soulmates seems to be that a soulmate is the one person in your life whom you are meant to be with, romantically; the perfect man or woman.  But while on my own personal “quest for knowledge,” I discovered that there are those who believe that a soulmate is simply a person who is destined to be in your life; meaning we have more than one soulmate.

Our soul travels through many lifetimes and often times, we come across another soul who plays an important part in our soul’s journey time and time again.  This version of a “soulmate” means that the person could be a family member or friend, not necessarily a romantic partner.  In fact, in this belief, the romantic “soulmate”, your ultimate soulmate, is called your Twin Flame.  You can have many different soulmates but only one Twin Flame.  I prefer this explanation of a soulmate; mainly because it helps me to understand some of the friendships that I have.

For example, my best friend.  We have been close friends since college.  When we met, it felt like we had known each other forever.  We understood each other completely and had so many similar interests as well as life experiences.  We always joked that we were cosmic sisters and that the birth of her first son proved our connection.

Almost three years ago, while awaiting the birth of their first son, her husband called me to tell me that they were on their way to the Hospital and he would call when the baby arrived.  I remained at home for a few hours when I got this weird feeling in my gut.  I started to get cramping feelings followed by the the sound of her voice in my head telling me that she needed me.  I had never felt this way before and even though it sounded a little crazy, I decided to just follow my instincts and head to the hospital.  I arrived minutes after he was born.

So with her second child, we wondered if I would feel anything.  A week ago, she went into labor for 48 hours.  I didn’t get any feelings that she needed me but it turned out that it was just a false labor.  Her due date came and went, no baby.  She had planned to be induced today, at 5am.  So I figured we would be able to tell then if we really do have a cosmic connection but the Universe intervened.

Yesterday, I suddenly got sick.  I thought I had the flu.  It was so weird how I was suddenly getting body aches and I felt like I was dying.  I could barely eat because I felt so bad.  I even took a hot bath, hoping it would help.  I wanted to be well for the birth of my friend’s baby.  So I decided to take some Advil PM and go to bed fairly early (about 10pm).  I had the weirdest dream, which I attributed to being sick.  I dreamt that I went to visit her at the hospital but it was a Muppet/puppet hospital.  All the doctors and nurses were Muppets.  Then I went to her room and her doctor was Walter from the Jeff Dunham show.  It was so vivid . . . and so weird.  Again, I just figured it was because I was sick but when I woke up, I felt fine.  No more body aches, no nausea.  I felt nice and relaxed.

I remember looking at the clock and wondering if she was still in labor.  She was set to be induced at 5am and I figured it would take a few hours.  Then a little after 9am, my friend called me to tell me her second son had arrived.  I was so happy for her but a little disappointed that I never felt anything that morning.  I told her it was so weird.  Maybe we just weren’t as close as we used to be.

I told her about how sick I was on Easter Sunday and about my weird dream.  She was quiet for a moment and said that she knows exactly why I felt the way I did.  She went into labor on Sunday and she was miserable.  She was throwing up from all the pain.  The baby decided to show up on his own, arriving at 12:04am.  I was having sympathy sickness.  And I didn’t feel anything this morning because he was already here.

Then she proceeded to tell me how she even had an explanation for my dream.  The TV was broken in the delivery room so they were watching Sesame Street and Muppet videos on Youtube.  She was watching Muppets and puppets while I was asleep in my bed, dreaming of Muppets and puppets.

Now of course her husband tried to explain away our “experiences” but we both know that we are somehow connected.  In my lifetime, well, current lifetime, I have only ever been able to “feel” two people in my life–my best friend and the man whom I was convinced is my Twin Flame.  So I don’t care if anyone else believes that my “cosmic connections” to these two people exist, I believe they do & so does my best friend.  How else would you explain it?